Are Toxic People Really “Toxic” Or Just Deeply Wounded?

Some of my friends speak about having toxic or narcissistic parents or toxic or narcissistic in-laws. They describe controlling behavior, emotional manipulation, constant criticism, or a lack of empathy. It is painful to grow up in such an environment. But after deep reflection and a spiritual journey, an important question arises in my mind: Does anyone truly want to be toxic? Does a mother or father wake up one day and decide to harm their child emotionally? In most cases, the answer is no.

What if toxic behavior is not born from cruelty, but from unhealed pain or trauma? Many parents or in-laws who behave in controlling or narcissistic ways were once wounded themselves. Perhaps they were criticized constantly as children or later. Perhaps they experienced emotional neglect, harsh discipline, or even abuse. If no one taught them how to process their pain, how to communicate safely, or how to love without fear, how would they know how to do it differently? Pain that is not healed does not disappear; it often gets passed on.

Another important question that comes to my mind is whether toxic parents are even aware of their behavior. Some truly are not. They may believe that strictness equals love or that emotional distance builds strength. They may say, “I went through worse and I survived.” If unhealthy behavior was normal in their childhood, it becomes their definition of normal. People often parent the way they were parented, unless they consciously choose another path and change themselves.

In some cases, parents are aware that their behavior causes harm, but changing would require deep self-reflection. It would mean admitting mistakes and confronting painful memories. That can feel overwhelming or even threatening. Instead, they may justify their actions by telling themselves that hardship builds character or that their child is simply too sensitive. Sometimes, repeating what was done to them feels like fairness, even though it continues the cycle of hurt.

Understanding this does not mean excusing harmful behavior. It is possible to say, “I see that you were wounded,” while also saying, “Your actions hurt me.” Compassion and boundaries can exist together. A person can acknowledge their parents’ struggles and still protect their own emotional well-being. Recognizing the roots of toxic behavior does not require accepting mistreatment.

Ultimately, the most powerful question comes to my mind: who will break the cycle? If previous generations lacked awareness or support, perhaps the current generation can choose healing. Through reflection, therapy, spiritual growth, or education, individuals can learn healthier patterns. Nobody is born toxic. Often, behind harmful behavior is a person carrying unresolved pain or trauma. The cycle of hurt can continue endlessly…  unless someone chooses to heal instead of repeat.